During the #PolyProblems episode, Effy Blue and Jacqueline Misla share a fresh new approach to some classic non-monogamous problems. They take a step back to suggest that we may be trying to design non-monogamous relationships with what we know about monogamy, causing us to get stuck on problems unique to non-monogamy.

LOOKING THROUGH A NEW LENS

This is not unexpected, given monogamy is the prevailing structure in our culture. Not only have we not been taught how to navigate a non-monogamous relationship, we have been actively fed the narrative that monogamy is the best and only way. This is reflected in the support, advice, guidance, and models we see around us as well as hyper-romanticized ideology that surrounds monogamy, such as two becomes one; you complete me; there’s only you, and my other half.

Thriving in a non-monogamous structure requires a level of unlearning and a perspective shift.

One of the building blocks for this different approach is embracing duality. This is the understanding that more than one truth can exist at the same time, even though they may be contradicting or in opposition with each other. You can examine how you perceive duality through the way you see your options. If you often see your options presented as this-or-this without considering if they can be this-and-this, you may not have fully internalized duality.

EMBRACING DUALITY

Embracing duality means that you have the freedom to creatively design relationships and lives that are only limited by consent. If you dream it and those involved consent to it, then it is possible!

Want to have a successful, stable marriage and a romantic French-style affair? Want to live with your partner and have your own bedroom? Want to live with your spouse and have your partner in the apartment next door? All things are possible, as long as you can dream it and work towards it.

Similarly, embracing duality gives us permission to empathize and accept our conflicting emotions.

Do you want an open relationship, and you feel pangs of jealousy and insecurity? Are you thrilled to have a connected evening with a new beau, and you feel guilty because your partner is home? Are you turned on by the idea of your partner in the throes of orgasm with someone else and feel enraged?

These two can live alongside each other.

AND, NOT OR

Once you are able to wrap your head around these dualities, you may find some new wisdom:

Feel all the feelings. You likely are feeling many things at once. Embracing duality means that all of those feelings are valid and that you get to choose how you will respond to those feelings. Do you feel both enraged and turned on? Both joyful and guilty? Allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling and then choose how to respond and act in a way that aligns with the complexity of those feelings instead of feeling limited by only leaning into one.

Explore all of the options. Once you open your mind to dualities, the options that you might have otherwise subconsciously eliminated may emerge as options. If you catch yourself asking: Is that even possible? Is that greedy? Do people do that? Remember that the answer is yes; with consent and imagination, all options are available to you.

You can’t get it wrong. Often, we might feel more strongly about a certain decision because we believe there to be one “right” answer or one truth that guides us. This thought prompts the fearful question: What if I get it wrong? While you may learn some valuable lessons, may get more clarity around what does and does not work for you, and may choose to ultimately go in a different direction by exploring multiple paths, desires, feelings, and connections - if done with respect for all involved - there is no “right” or “wrong.”

Now that you have opened yourself to accepting more than one truth at the same time, you have also opened the door to a world of possibilities, including having consensual connections with more than one person. Give yourself permission to explore parts of yourself, ideas, experiences, and feelings that you did not think could co-exist. If you feel an expansion, if you feel you are growing and thriving as a result, then fully embrace the duality of and, not or.